Everything Changes...

I've deleted my posts about the baby. I haven't heard one word from the birthmother since her doctor's appt last week. In my gut, I knew something was up. I got this email just a few minutes ago:
"hey *rae. i just thought id let u know i should have a new phone by monday. i dnt have one right now. i was needing to talk to u about the baby. i just dnt want to hurt u. u r a very great person. i was sittin here one day last week and i was just in my room alone thinking about everything. i am very lucky to have met a great person like u. but i sat dwn with my bf and he said that even knowing there is a 50% chance of this baby being his he is still here with me and out of all the crap weve went thru together and what ive put him thru he is still here so that should tell me something. i really wanna keep the baby. u r more than welcome to come c her when ever u want to tho. i am going to call u very soon tho so i can talk to u over the phone about everything." *changed only my name in this email

I can't say that this surprises me. I'm not stunned or even hurt. And as I responded back to her, I'm am thankful that she told us now--before any money was spent on the whole process. I am, however, just a little disappointed. I know you may think I'm making this up-I swear on my life this is exactly what has happened today alone: A dear sweet friend who's been married for 15 years, has had 3 miscarriages and one failed adoption (they literally had the baby home with them during the 10 day waiting period & on day 7 the BM changed her mind) went to her OB this morning. Yep, she got pregnant again a few weeks ago. Last week they should've seen a heartbeat (as she was suppose to be 7w 1d, but the OB said we'll give it one more week. Today, even though her body is holding on to it, there was just a hint of a fetal pole-no heartbeat, no little gummy bear. Her text to me was "It's not good news. Just a hint of a fetal pole. We're just waiting for it to be over."
For the life of me I can't find the reason for all of this. There is no rhyme nor reason why one person can have 6 pregnancies before she's 22 and some can't even have 1.
Ok. So I lied. I am a little sad.
I should've never named her. She was never mine to name.
HOPE really is a four letter word.

To say it's been quiet around here, well......

...it would be a complete lie.

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. I just really haven't felt like putting all my crazy thoughts out here for y'all to read.

We made it through the holidays.

This was the best Christmas with A ever. A few days before Christmas, we had breakfast with Santa. It was the best $20 I've ever spent. Here are a couple of pics from that day:

A is sitting right at Santa's feet listening to him read 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'.

A telling Santa what he wants for Christmas!

He's 5 now, so every gift opened was delightful. I didn't care to have a single gift under the tree--it did my heart good to see him opening & getting everything he asked for.

My niece & great-niece (now 1) still lives with us. To say that this little 21lb girl has as much lung capacity than that of a hundred squealing girls seeing Justin Bieber for the 1st time would be an absolute understatement. My.gawd.she.is.LOUD! She's adorable, but very loud. My niece is still doing very well in school. She's working as well. She finishes school in May and is planning on moving back to her home state.

And then there's this:

I got a call on November 9th. It was about us potentially adopting again. At the time the birth mom was only 10 weeks and my dh said, "Absolutely NOT." I will admit that I did not tell the BM that part of the story. It was still very early yet and the potential of her changing her mind is/was still great. We spoke a few times that week and I didn't hear from her again until last week. She is definite that she wants us to adopt. My dh is now on the fence. I really, really want this baby. This is the only way I can have children. A is 5. This is the 2nd time since we adopted him that a chance like this has happened. The 1st time, the BM had a miscarriage at 10 wks.

We still have plenty of time and I am full of hope (why does it hurt to type that?). IF has left me so hope-less that's it's hard to even admit that I have any hope left in this body.

At any rate, I will keep you all updated. If you are a praying person, please pray for us.

Day 2 of Camo

Day 1, yesterday, A realizes that he got a camo outfit for his birthday. He has one of his daddy's old hats & camo flip flops, that along with his 'noculars' and he's ready for the military--just like Daddy. (see pic below)

Today is Day 2 of the camo...Here is the pic AND the rest of the story. Yes, there is drama involved...lol

Day 2 of camo...he doesn't want to take this outfit off. He had a 'fainting goat' moment this morning when I told him that he couldn't wear it for us to go to Daddy's work. I had to sing the National Anthem at an important award ceremony for J today & didn't have a babysitter for A so I had to take him with me.

The next part of this story is not, I repeat, NOT exaggerated. A was behaving great, he usually does. We were sitting at the back of the room. He had his rocket, snack & juice. We had went 'potty' before the program began...everything was good. Literally 8 seconds before my name is called to sing, A whispers, “I gotta poop Mama."

Me: you're gonna have to wait a few minutes buddy, we can't go right now.

A (a little more urgently) But I gotta poop!

Me (almost in a complete panic attack): Please A, can't you just hold it for a few seconds?

A (frantic): I'm gonna poop in my pants....

all in the same time that J is giving the invocation and I sing right after that. I'm walking to the podium, I give A to J and smiling, I whisper to J: He needs to poop!

I proceed to the mic to sing and out of the corner of my eye, I know that J didn't hear a word I said. A now looks like he's having a seizure and J has no idea why--he just puts both hands on A's shoulders to keep him still.

I WAS DYING INSIDE. I just knew that A was pooping his pants even as I was singing "...Land of the free and Home of the brave!"

I finished singing, walked briskly to get A and out the door we went....

We get to the bathroom and, of course, all the drama was for nothing. He didn't have to poop at all. To say that I wanted to give the kid an enema and MAKE him go after what he had just put me through is a complete understatement. But, we went back to our seats and all was right with the world. Everyone LOVED the story after it was over with and none of the drama I had just experienced was even noticed by anyone but me. Yay.

My kid is soooooooooooo dramatic! LOL! Wonder what tomorrow holds? If there is a day 3, I will let you all know.

Rawwr Means I Love You in Dinosaur! (Pic Heavy)

A with his best buddies, H & I. All of them had dinosaur shirts on. H & A's were monogrammed with their names by H's mom. She is amazing with a sewing/embroidering machine!

Jurassic Juice, Plates & 1 of 12 GiGi's German Chocolate cupcakes (Because the kinda look like nests...lol) with little cupcake-dino picks.

Brown & Green candied covered marshmallow lollipops with dinosaur bone sprinkles! Very easy to make & was a HUGE hit....and very, very yummy!

Hatching T-Rex in his nest! Cake was much easier to make and looked more like a nest in real life than what the picture depicts. Chocolate curls for 'sticks'. They were easier to make than what I thought they were! Just watched a youtube video and voila!

Table with all the food, drinks & party favors! I couldn't get a good pic of the Happy Birthday banner on the wall behind it...but trust me, it was adorable!

A blowing out all 5 of his candles....I can't believe my baby's 5 years old.

He was so excited to open his gifts...but when he got his LeapPad, he was ecstatic! Now I can have my iPod all to myself again! :-)

Had to slip this one in. My Great-niece, Baby A, enjoying a marshmallow pop. She's almost 1!

All in all, it was a great night. Homemade Potato soup with all the fixings for the grown ups, dino-shaped grilled cheese sandwiches, goldfish & Jurassic Juice for the kiddos. End all of that with cupcakes, cake & marshmallow pops...the kids were climbing the walls! (Did I say that I still can't believe that my baby's 5 already??!!)

He's 5 years old today!

At this very moment 5 years ago, I was dressed like this, anxiously awaiting the doctors to tell me I could come into the c-section delivery room: The only thought going through my mind was,"Oh My Lord, I am about to somebody's Mommy!"

At exactly 8:04am (CST) he was born. I heard the faintest of cries as they quickly took him to an adjoining room to check his health. A very few moments later they brought my son to me. This was the photo of when I got to see him for the very first time:

He weighed 2 pounds 9 ounces and was only 14 inches long with an APGAR of 9 and five minutes later his APGAR was still 9! They took him on to the NICU while they completed BM's surgery. I followed my son.

Here is the very first time I got to hold him in my arms:

Now he weighs 41 pounds and is 41 inches tall! I simply can not fathom that in the mere blink of an eye he is already 5 years old. My precious, baby boy. His actual party is tomorrow night, as we have family travelling in from Alabama to be here. I will post the photos from his party as soon as I can. He picked his theme this year: DINOSAURS!!! Just so you know, "Rawwr!" means "I love you" in dinosaur! :-)

Happy Birthday Baby Boy! I love you more than there are words. You have completed me. You bring me joy, laughter & love every minute of the day. I don't know where I'd be without you, my Heart.

I love you,

Mommy

Updating AJ's Bedroom

For the 4,234,575th time, we have moved AJ from our room back to his room. So in order to make this transition (again) a little easier, I thought I'd make his room a little 'cooler'. Here are a few changes I made(hopefully they will work to keep him in there at night):

I painted his footboard to match his 'big' wall.

His Wall(excuse the weird lighting--not sure what happened there)

His head board--I painted his lamp & added some outerspace wallies to the lamp & headboard:

(his little rocking horse that he got for his 1st birthday....he's never wanted to give it up:-) I *think* he's gonna like it now.

Bureaucratic BS

I have had lower back pain associated with my AF for over a year now. It's charted in my GYN chart as well as my regular family MD chart. It's also charted that I do NOT have endometriosis, as we thought that was the culprit for the lower back pain in the 1st place.

This month, however, the pain is worse. Enough to keep me in the laying down position for most of the day. AF is in FULL swing. Heating pad hasn't touched it, Naproxyn either. So I called my GYN's nurse and explained that to her. JUST READ MY STUPID CHART! She waits to the END of the day to call me and say that the DR would actually have to see me(actually the nurse practioner because my GYN doesn't have an opening until Dec. 23rd--yeah, you read that right). I went all PMDD on her stupid tail. "You really think that with all that is flowing out of me that I want to come to your office, strip down butt naked and let your NP insert something into my bleeding V? Yeah, I think not. Thanks FOR NOTHING!" and I pressed 'end call' only because the phones these days won't let you slam them down for dramatic effect.

I am so incredibly ticked right now I could scream. They only want me in there for my little $18.00 co-pay and the hundreds of $$ they'll be able to scam/bill my health insurance for. All the while, I sit here in nauseating pain.

Thanks medical world...you pretty much suck right now.